A love letter to myself last winter.
As I pondered who I should write a letter to, God reminded me of how faithful He’s been and the healing that has taken place in my own heart since then. A year ago, I was grieving a broken engagement and it was the most devastating heartache of my life. At the time, I took solace in the hope that I’d meet someone soon; but a year later, I’m still single. Even though it can be lonely and challenging, I see the gifts of singleness and pure devotion to this season alone with God. I know younger Rachel will never really get to read this letter, but even as I wrote it, I felt God speaking to me now, reminding me of the glorious future He has planned. Whether we’re single or in a relationship, God is always the main thing, and writing this letter reminded me He is the Eternal Romancer of my heart.
Go ahead, go to the kitchen and grab the chocolate. Put on the tea kettle, cuddle up with me.
As you read this, probably sitting on your tiny pull out couch, know that you’re immensely loved. And in one year, you’re going to be alive and well. Still breathing, still loving.
I know you’re in a world of pain. I know every time you drive past Forest Park, or watch “The Office”, or eat Korean tacos, you want to die a little. I know you eat dinner standing up because the idea of sitting down at a table by yourself is unbearable.
It will pass. It really will.
Every time you pray to God, He is listening. Every time you cry, because you can’t even talk, He is listening. And every time you go into your closet, and put your pillow over your face and scream, He is listening. He didn’t forget you. He doesn’t forget you. I’m proof.
You don’t know this yet — But you decide to go on your honeymoon, anyway.
You have a picnic under the Eiffel tower and watch it light up at midnight. You walk the gardens at Versailles. You go to Montmartre. You do it for you. I tell you this now, because you don’t think you deserve to go to Paris alone, yet. But you do.
You don’t need anyone’s permission.
Also — It wasn’t your fault.
You deserve to be pursued. Not just with flowers and affection; but with a man’s whole heart.
In a few months, you’ll want to start dating, again. You won’t be ready, but you’ll do it anyway.It’s okay, it all works out. I kinda wish we could get that time back, that we could’ve spent it healing or with friends, instead. But you learn a lot, and you remember what’s important.
In a year, you’re still single. I know. I know. But listen — it’s for your good. A lot happens between now and then and, trust me, you need it. You need the time to purge, heal and grow. Is it hard? Absolutely. Is it worth the investment? Absolutely.
Rachel, you get so close to the Lord. Closer than you’ve ever been.
You learn who you are in Him. And you love yourself. You start to write, again. You let Him take away everything that isn’t you. Everything that holds you back, you place in His hands, and you just go for it. I want you to know that in one year — the thing that really matters the most — is still your relationship with God.
Because being single is hard, but He is more faithful than you are hopeful.
Invest in time with the Word. Read psalm 91. Take comfort and take heart.
As you walk out this pain and disappointment, remember that you’re walking towards a glorious future. I know it’s cold outside, and you’re just wondering how you’ll make it to spring. Be encouraged, stay open to new friends, continue to love generously, have grace for transition, keep your hopes up. Read your bible. Enjoy St. Louis while you’re there. Enjoy living alone — yes, that changes, too. And mostly, keep talking to God no matter what.
P.S. You get a new tattoo, soon. Not telling where. https://www.instagram.com/rachelfenton_/