Joy In The Journey

Two weeks!! Two weeks of intentionality and checking in for my availability came down to this moment– I saw you….and everything else…disappeared. Instant chemistry!

I remember it like it was yesterday; we met at the Cheesecake factory for appetizers and conversation. Egg rolls for the gentleman, ahi tuna for the lady. It was public, dialogue was organic and there was zero expectation for me to like you. 😍

I stopped believing in love at first sight long ago but then I locked eyes with you & you made me want to believe all over again. 

You entered my life at such a delicate- vulnerable time. A season where I needed the reminder that my standards weren’t “too unrealistic”. You made me want to be a better person- for my future- whether that meant with you or whoever comes after. My catalyst. You never knew that part though. I never actually let you get that close. For even though I “got real” I never really let my guard down. That much you did know.

As quickly as this romance sparked is as quickly as it dwindled.

Before I knew it we had escalated to a heartfelt and heart wrenching parting ways phone call…the truth is (and I couldn’t see it then) that you weren’t a bad person and neither was I. We just had different things we were working through, that together would have hindered our personal healing because our healing couldn’t be found in one another.

    Because real life isn’t like the movies, sometimes you don’t get the guy with the boombox serenading you outside your home.

The next few days I tossed and turned, wrestling with the idea of why I cared so much for someone I barely knew. It didn’t make any sense yet there I was! Not a day would pass by that I would not have some reminder of you. If I drove passed a black car, I always checked to see if you were driving it. When I would get a notification on my phone, I always checked hoping it was from you. One day, I got real ballsy and stopped by your favorite coffee shop hoping I’d run into you, just to see you once more. Of course as soon as I walked in I felt like an idiot and forced myself to go back home. That’s when I knew deep down that I wasn’t handling this all as good as I was trying to convince myself. So I started to pray. Pray through my questions, pray out my confusion, pray..for you.

There’s a lady in the Bible named Hannah. Hannah was married to Elkanah. More than anything, Hannah wanted to bare children for Elkanah BUT her womb was closed and she couldn’t get pregnant- year after year. In her vexation she poured out her soul for the Lord, the Bible says “She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly.” Relatable. In her deep anguish, she came before the Lord, bitterness and all. I remember reading this passage and knowing that I ought to respond like Hannah. A woman who brings her pain with her to the altar and submits them to the source. She understood that she didn’t have to get it all together or have all the answers before coming before a perfect God. In her desperation, the Lord remembered her. She became the mother of Samuel! Sometimes things just take time.

My prayers began from a place of bitterness and personal offense but as the weeks progressed it was my heart that started to shift. Instead of praying based on how I perceived you, I started to ask God to show me how he created you. The person you truly are- outside of us. It is disheartening how many lies we can build up regarding another person based off misinterpretation. Little by little I began to see the real you and that made letting go and trusting God, easier. When I relinquished my distorted image of you, I learned why we needed the time apart in the first place.

I see now what I couldn’t see back then. Every prayer that seemed unanswered, made sense. Turns out I wasn’t the victim in all this. If I were being brutally honest, I would admit that I wasn’t that great of a person towards you. Instead of being a life giver and encouraging you, I seized any opportunity to speak negatively and accuse you. I projected my personal fears and unresolved conflict onto you. I didn’t consider you. I always put me first. See, even when you shared what you were going through personally — I didn’t give you the space you NEEDED- I just tried to forced myself into your life more. That’s not love. Love is patient, love is kind. I was neither of those.

We both had areas of opportunity to work through and that’s OK!

Now I am stronger and better as a result, for whoever comes along next–  & even if no one comes along at all!!! This is the joy in the journey to healing and forgiveness.

Thank you Chicken strip,

-Doll.